So Tired...

I am exhausted, which is kinda wierd cause I really didn't do much of anything last week.  I did manage to find an apartment, which you'd already know if you've read previous posts, and I do have more good news or 'signs' on how right it is for me.  I took mom, dad, and Lilly by there Saturday afternoon and they loved it!  As we were driving further down the street to see what else there was, we drive right past Cornerstone Family Church!!  How perfect is that?  I was really hoping for a good church in the area, but to have one down the street that I already know and love?  I am really looking forward to this move!  I already feel like starting to pack up closets and get rid of the crap that I've managed to accumulate.  I do have a ton of garbage bags full of clothes (and a toddler bed) that I need to drag down to the YWCA and donate to the girls there, but that will be a lot of trips... That's my main goal for this week.  Aside from school, tests, and trying to get my grades back up to where I know they can be...  *sigh* Just a little bit longer and this awful semester will be over...  On the shocking side, I did get a child support payment!  It's only like a month late, but I got one.  Which reminds me of another thing I need to get done this week, scheduling an appointment with my lawyer.  Shock of all shocks, Ryan managed to PASS a SCHEDULED drug test!  Amazing, isn't it??  Give him a few months notice and he can pass one, but spring one on him unexpectedly and he confesses to having used a little 'the night before' out of stress/frustration/anger...  Are people really fooled by this?!?!  It does leave me with very little faith in our legal system.  In order for me to receive custody of Lilly I had to jump through a ton of hoops and prove myself over years, should he not be required to do the same??  Is an addicts word (whose used for 20 years) enough when they say "I'm clean"?  Should that be enough when it's a child's life at stake?  I don't expect much from him, and if he can prove himself to have grown up and to be an asset to my child, then it would be better for her to have him in her life.  All I want is for him to put the same amount of effort into earning her back that he spent on fucking it up!  I gave that @$$ FOUR YEARS worth of chances to be a dad.  Now that I've given up he decides he wants to?  And being a father is not something you can do on a whim.  If he's not willing to pay the right amount of child support (based on his ACTUAL income) then is he really wanting to be a father?  Shouldn't a father WANT to provide for his child?? Instead of frequently telling me he's rather have me begging off the state than give me money?  Apparently, it's the tax payers responsibility (which he doesn't even do) to provide for Lilly, not his.  That's real father material, huh?