Venting

 I am getting sick and tired of fake people! You know the ones. The ones who say one thing but do another? But there is also another kind in my opinion. The ones who refuse to make a decision, take a stand, never give a straight answer. All they do is judge others for what they do 'wrong' when they are doing nothing themselves. At least the person who is doing the wrong thing is doing SOMETHING!  I'm tired of people who think they have the right answer when it comes to God.  Why can there be only one way to worship Him?  Did He not make us all different?  (And as a side note, He did make us human, therefore WE MAKE MISTAKES and He doesn't reject us for it, and He doesn't consider us to be disappointments or failures.)   I was told that because I was celebrating Christmas, and Santa Clause came to our house, that I am worshiping Santa Clause!  Apparently, I am raising my daughter wrong.  That person didn't even take into consideration that my daughter asked for Baby Jesus for Christmas... But what's wrong with there being different people worshipping God in different ways?  I really don't believe that God is judging us on how we worship.  I believe that as long as your heart is in the right place, that's all you need.  Well, not ALL... There is the importance of repentance, seeking God's forgiveness, and  working on improving yourself and your life.  But since God did make us human with the ability to make choices for ourselves (this being called 'Free Will') He understands that we will screw up, probably frequently.  We are allowed to ask for forgiveness over and over and over and over and over and over.... (get the picture?)  Therefore, He is not demanding perfection.  But don't you think that since He's not expecting perfection from us, there isn't a perfect way to worship?  That, perhaps, there isn't a perfect religion?  Think about it.... Look at the controversy behind all of it!  Look at what man has made it!  Even those not involved in 'religion' and view themselves as above it all are still missing vital parts.  God is about one main thing, and this is called LOVE.  If this is missing from ones life, then they should really rethink it.  If they spend more time preaching than loving, something is wrong.  The way to reach people is by living it, not talking about it over and over and over and over and over.... but never putting true, heart felt actions behind your words.  These people are what I consider to be fake.  Just because you claim to be Christian and right with God, doesn't mean you are.  I have more respect for people who are honest and would rather say "No, I'm not doing what I should be" than those who don't put actions behind their words.  1 John 3:18 does say "Let us not love with words or tongue but with ACTIONS and in TRUTH"  

So Tired...

I am exhausted, which is kinda wierd cause I really didn't do much of anything last week.  I did manage to find an apartment, which you'd already know if you've read previous posts, and I do have more good news or 'signs' on how right it is for me.  I took mom, dad, and Lilly by there Saturday afternoon and they loved it!  As we were driving further down the street to see what else there was, we drive right past Cornerstone Family Church!!  How perfect is that?  I was really hoping for a good church in the area, but to have one down the street that I already know and love?  I am really looking forward to this move!  I already feel like starting to pack up closets and get rid of the crap that I've managed to accumulate.  I do have a ton of garbage bags full of clothes (and a toddler bed) that I need to drag down to the YWCA and donate to the girls there, but that will be a lot of trips... That's my main goal for this week.  Aside from school, tests, and trying to get my grades back up to where I know they can be...  *sigh* Just a little bit longer and this awful semester will be over...  On the shocking side, I did get a child support payment!  It's only like a month late, but I got one.  Which reminds me of another thing I need to get done this week, scheduling an appointment with my lawyer.  Shock of all shocks, Ryan managed to PASS a SCHEDULED drug test!  Amazing, isn't it??  Give him a few months notice and he can pass one, but spring one on him unexpectedly and he confesses to having used a little 'the night before' out of stress/frustration/anger...  Are people really fooled by this?!?!  It does leave me with very little faith in our legal system.  In order for me to receive custody of Lilly I had to jump through a ton of hoops and prove myself over years, should he not be required to do the same??  Is an addicts word (whose used for 20 years) enough when they say "I'm clean"?  Should that be enough when it's a child's life at stake?  I don't expect much from him, and if he can prove himself to have grown up and to be an asset to my child, then it would be better for her to have him in her life.  All I want is for him to put the same amount of effort into earning her back that he spent on fucking it up!  I gave that @$$ FOUR YEARS worth of chances to be a dad.  Now that I've given up he decides he wants to?  And being a father is not something you can do on a whim.  If he's not willing to pay the right amount of child support (based on his ACTUAL income) then is he really wanting to be a father?  Shouldn't a father WANT to provide for his child?? Instead of frequently telling me he's rather have me begging off the state than give me money?  Apparently, it's the tax payers responsibility (which he doesn't even do) to provide for Lilly, not his.  That's real father material, huh?  

A lot of sickness and a possible apartment!!

I had a bad start to spring break, I missed almost a whole week of school (Lilly was sick) and I finally get down to Des Moines and Lilly, Mom, and I spent Saturday at the Drs. Lilly has MRSA again and I might have asthma. Fun stuff, huh? So we have all been laying around sick and not really feeling up to much. I did manage to get a list of apartments that accept section 8 vouchers in Des Moines and I went out looking today. I got lost more times than I can count and actually got quite worried/scared a few times... On my second trip out to look (after map questing quite a few selecions) I finally found one that I was looking for. It is in a beautiful area past Valley Junction on Creston (which is off of 63rd). After touring one of their older selections (about 9 years old) they showed me some of the new ones. I was able to request a new apartment on the first floor, but wasn't able to tour it because they one they are reserving for me won't be finished until May 1st (IT'S BRAND NEW!!). I was able to tour one exactly like it but there will be one minor difference. All the appliances in my apartment (the stove, built in microwave, DISHWASHER, and fridge) will all be black (which is perfection for me). It also has a garbage disposal and the master bedroom has a bathroom of it's own with a walk in shower!!! I am so happy right now!! All I have to do now is get all the section 8 stuff settled and I can move in at the end of May or beginning of June. I am so glad that this seems to be working out, I really needed that right now since nothing else seems to be. I still don't know for sure what I am going to be doing about daycare, I hope to talk to my councelors at the YWCA tomorrow to see if they have figured out anything with the ATR program. They were hoping that they would be able to cover some of my moving bills/expenses so that I can use my saved up money for child care. I'll try to keep everyone posted on the progress of everything.

The State: Here to Help or Hurt?

As I mentioned in an earlier blog, my child care assistance through DHS is being cancelled because I dropped a class.  As a possible alternative, I met with Shelley Hatcher, a Promise Jobs Advisor with Iowa Workforce Development to talk about getting child care assistance through their program and also about getting FIP payments (since "The Ejaculation" is no longer paying any child support).  At the appointment today, I was informed that I was not a strong enough candidate and they would not help me with services.  They feel that my getting an education is an "unattainable goal" and "not worth the investment" because I am "unreliable".  They feel that I am unreliable because I changed from a nursing major to psychology (how many college students change majors? I don't know a single one who hasn't, really) and because I dropped a class this semester (I guess a 4.0 gpa doesn't really matter when you have ONE bad semester).  When I asked about the possibility of taking an online class to make up the credits, I was informed that would not be a wise choice for me because I am "the kind of person that requires extra assistance and wouldn't be able to handle an online class".  This decision was made because I asked a lot of questions while filling out their paperwork.  The problem that I had with their paperwork was that every question was black and white and the majority of life (ok, all of life) is lived in grey areas.  I had a hard time with questions such as "In the past year, has your partner threatened or abuse you and you have legitimate reasons to be afraid?"  My problem with this question is that: No, in the last year Ryan has not abused me, but he has threatened me and I am scared... and he's not my partner.  So I wanted to verify what all the questions covered in order to answer them correctly.  Because of this, I am slow and "require extra help."  To say the least, I AM PISSED!! I ended up walking out of the office because my hands hurt from white knuckling the chair in an effort not to slap her and my jaw hurt from keeping it clenched in an effort to avoid telling her off!  Who the hell is she to think that she has the power to decide if my education is worthwhile?  If I will ever amount to anything?  I'm sure if she took her head out of her ass she'd realize the effort I have put forth the last few years, how hard I have worked, and that I AM WORTH IT!!  But, because of my hard and unreliable life (which she thinks is a reason that I will never amount to anything in this field because "How can I help anybody when I can't even manage my own life?") I KNOW that I WILL rise above this challenge, and I KNOW that my hard work WILL amount to something, and I KNOW that I WILL make it (with or without that womans help) and I WILL make a difference.  Honestly, I feel sorry for her.  Maybe her job and life has her so desensitized that she can no longer feel anything, have faith in anything, or believe in anything/anybody.  Truly, she is worse off than me.  At least I have dreams to reach for, faith in God and myself, and I am able to see others pain and needs and find a way to help them through it.  She is definately in the wrong profession.  Maybe she once (long ago) had a dream to become something else and got stuck with this because she didn't have faith in her own ability.  Giving up on your own dreams could definately make somebody behave like that... Luckily, due to my passion of psychology I am able to not take this completely personally but look at all the different possibilities.  My "unreliable" past and stress and struggles is what gave me this ability, and I am grateful for that.  Because without all that, would I have turned out like her?

For the love of art...

For those of you that don't know, Lilly has been home sick the last two days.  She started running a fever early Tuesday morning (woke up a little before 6am saying she didn't feel well and had a temp around 100.6).  She spent most of Tuesday laying around and watching movies and today, even though she has a fever around 101, she's been acting more like herself.  She has been working hard on her drawing and coloring skills, and it has been improving dramatically!  A few weeks ago she drew a picture of Gramma Daddy (according to Lilly, in the picture he is sad because he misses her) which actually looked like a face!

Today, she drew the itsy bitsy spider!  It does have a few additional legs, but it is a good spider.

Isn't her skills improving dramatically?  You can actually make out the pictures now.  Unfortunately, she's not going to be able to work on them for a while now.  This evening, while I was working on studying for a midterm that I hope to be able to take tomorrow, Lilly decided to have herself a snack.  I do remember her asking me for one, and giving her Golden Grahams, but apparently it wasn't enough.  She sat beside me not to long ago, while I was talking to Gramma on the phone, and I noticed she had dark colors around her mouth. 

After questioning her, I discovered that she decided to snack on her markers.  She literally ate the tips off of 6 markers!

So, unfortunately, I had to take all of her markers away, including a few that had managed to avoid the snack time.

On a side note, my computer is starting to act funny.  The colors are all off and distorted.  Any ideas?

My Prince Charming... Barney!

As I was trying to get Lilly to go to sleep tonight we had a very interesting, funny, and insightful conversation about Prince Charmings.  Here is a basic over view of our conversation:

Lilly: I really want you and me to go to the royal ball.

Me: That would be nice.

Lilly: And EVERYONE can go with us!

Me: That would be nice. 

Lilly: And do you know who my Prince Charming is going to be?

Me: Who?

Lilly: Grampa!

Me: That would be nice.

Lilly: And do you know who Grandma Jackie's Prince Charming is going to be?

Me: Who?

Lilly: Ryan!

Me: ok...

Lilly: And do you know who Gramma Pam's Prince Charming is going to be?

Me: Who?

Lilly: Jason!

Me: That would be nice.

Lilly: And do you know who your Prince Charming is going to be?

Me: Who?

Long pause as she pondering this particular question....

Lilly: I don't know who your Prince Charming is going to be...

Me: Well, what if I don't want a Prince Charming?

Lilly: Ok! You can sit down and watch everybody!

Me: But what if I want to dance?

Lilly: You can't.

Me: Why not?

Lilly: Because you don't have a Prince Charming! (in a 'duh' voice)

Me: What if I want to dance by myself?

Lilly: Well, you have to have a Prince Charming... I know!

Me: What?

Lilly: Barney can be your Prince Charming! The dinosaur! And when you dance he will sing "I love you, you love me, we're best friends as friends should be. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you..." Barney would be a nice Prince Charming! Wouldn't that be nice?

At this point I am laughing really hard but I manage a "That would be nice"

Lilly: Yeah, Barney would be a good Prince Charming.

As I finally got her to fall asleep I started to ponder on some things that she had said, or rather, implied in a child like manner.  Not the whole "Barney should be your Prince Charming" thing, but then again... He is a nice dinosaur, he's good with kids, he likes to play games and teach people things... but I don't know, I don't think we look like a very good couple... Do you?

Anyways, what I really starting analyzing was the "You can't dance unless you have a Prince Charming" thing.  If you think about it, that's not an uncommon thought process for women, but how young does it start?  In today's society, it is considered bad in some way, shape, or form for a person to be 'single'.  We get the, "Oh, really?" and "I'm sorry's" and the hook ups that we don't want.  And we are expected to always be on the look out for our "Prince Charming".  But what if we don't WANT a Prince Charming?  What if we are perfectly content with being a SINGLE PRINCESS??  Why is 'dinner for two' more acceptable that 'dinner for one'? And it's not just at restaurants!  Go to your local supermarket and you will see plenty of good and fancy 'dinner for two's' and what for us single people? Mini pizza's, lean cuisines, and easy mac!  It's even on facebook, for crying out loud.  As soon as a status changes from 'in a relationship' to single you have people writing you that you haven't talked to in years wondering what's going on.  And in my case, I haven't been in a relationship for a while (thank God!) but when I made a facebook account for the first time a few weeks ago, I got comments on the single status.  And how young does this thinking start?  Do we teach our daughters that life is not complete unless they have a Prince Charming?  That you can't fully participate in the fun parts of life unless you have a man by your side? Is that why so many women stay in abusive relationships? Because it's better than being single?  Because it's almost unacceptable to be single?  Because, as someone once told me, "A pile of shit is still warm"?  And how do we go about changing this way of thinking?  I know I'm changing that way of thinking for myself.  I'm happy being single and I really don't want a man in my life right now.  But whenever I say this to anyone, I get these "I pity you" looks because they really don't believe me and they think I'm just saying that because I don't have a man in my life right now.  But, just to let everyone know, even though I am not completely opposed to the thought of dating IN THE FUTURE, if I find a man worthy of not only my time and attention, but my daughters, I am serious about not wanting a relationship right now.  Hard to believe? Well, this Princess is taking a stand as I walk out onto the dance floor WITHOUT a man by my side and get my groove on!  Any other single Princesses want to join me?  We can take the stand together.  See you on the dance floor if you decide to, cause I'm not putting my life on hold for anybody.

Yet Another Challenge

I found out last night that because I dropped a class (it was either that or take an 'F') as of March 16 I am no longer going to receive child care assistance.  Meaning, I have one week left of day care!  As far as I can see, I do have a few options.  I talked to my day care provider and in order to maintain our current day care schedule it will cost me $50 a week/$200 a month, which really isn't bad considering what most places charge.  So, here are the options I can see. 1) I could pay it myself out of the money I saved from my student loans, but then not be able to afford a new place and be homeless as of June 1st. 2) I could send Lilly to live in Des Moines with my parents and visit her on weekends... or 3) I could drop out of school.  I am doing everything I can to avoid having to make on of those decisions and see if there is the hope of having anything else available.  I was considering reapplying for FIP since child support isn't really happening (haven't received a payment lately and it's not enough to hold out for) but unless I'm a full time student I would also be required to have a job.  But on the upside, I would not only be receiving money through Promise Jobs, but they would also pay for child care... I could take an online course and hope that will bump me back up to full time status or put out ten job applications a week and hope that nobody calls me back (and drag Lilly along while I do all that). I decided there was no harm in filling in an application for FIP and talking to somebody about my circumstances and seeing what could be worked out... I know that when I first started receiving FIP awhile back they allowed me to not do the job searches because of my treatment schedule.  So I am hoping that my continueing treatment and taking three classes will be enough... or the online class... but if I don't even have enough time to get all the homework done that I currently have and that's why I had to drop one of my classes, how is adding another class to my schedule going to be a good thing?  My worker (at the YW) thinks that the fact that I had straight A's last semester will help me make a case... I don't know.  I'm just really stressing about this whole thing.  How much is one person expected to be able to handle in one lifetime??  I have an appointment with a FIP worker person at 3:00 today, they were able to get me in suprisingly fast... So I guess all I can really do is pray and see what happens with that.  I really don't want to have to make the choice between being homeless, sending my daughter to live somewhere else, or dropping out of school...

Another weekend at Gamma's

Lilly and I are spending the weekend in Des Moines with the family again.  Friday night was a ton of fun!  Willie had mentioned to me that him and Lara were coming over for supper and I found out after we got here that Robbie and Amanda were too!  We had a really fun night just hanging out and eating pizza.  I'm really enjoying any time that I get to spend with Robbie and Amanda, since it seems to be a rare thing, but the more I get to know Amanda, the more I adore her.  I was able to get some 'me' time today (sort of).  I left Lilly with mom and went shopping with Jason and Willie.  As usual, I only bought things for Lilly but I had a good time getting out of the house.  We went to Valley West Mall and I learned how dangerous of a store Von Maur is, especially the childrens section!  I absolutey FELL IN LOVE with two dresses for Lilly.  One was on clearance for around $30 and the other one was not on clearance and it was $75!! For a little kids dress!!  If was gorgeous though, this really soft green with a layered look to it, and it had pink ribbons and little flowers... It would have been adorable on her, it it had been about $60 cheaper.  When I got home this evening I found Lilly and Grampa Daddy in Lilly's room playing with paper dolls (Grampa Daddy is so good to her).  Don't they look like they're having fun?

Lilly is wearing the new nighty that Jason bought her for her birthday (only two months late...).  It is a soft pink summer nighty that has a matching light nighty type thing that buttons on the front that she is using to keep her rocking kitty warm and pretty. 

As usual, Lilly is having a great time while we're here.  I have to admit looking forward to going home and getting next week over with.  After that I get a week off for spring break which I'm going to spend apartment hunting in Des Moines.  Also thinking of looking into daycares...

She Let Me!

Lilly has finally let me do something with her hair!  Usually I have to chase her down just to comb it in the morning, but we had extra time this morning and she let me experiment with it.  This is what we ended up with:  

Isn't it pretty? Now let's see if she keeps it in long enough for Gramma Pam to see it.  

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...

The Good: I got my reading glasses today!  I haven't really tested them out yet, but hopefully I'll stop getting extremely bad headaches every time I do my homework. 

The Bad: I got my dress for the wedding today.  I tried it on and guess what, doesn't fit right! What kind of crap is that?  So when I head down to Des Moines this weekend I'm going to have mom help me send back the (ugly) skirt and the ill-fitting dress and I'll give it one more shot.  If is doesn't work, then I'm trying a different company and a different dress.

The Ugly: Not really "The Ugly" but it made the title sound better so I want to put something here.  I found another pair of shoes that I really liked since the ones I initially wanted aren't made in the color I want even though that's the color they were advertised as. These are the first pair of shoes that I wanted and couldn't get (but still REALLY want!):

Aren't they beautiful? But I can't get them in this color anywhere! Even though Macy's is claiming that they have them in this color, and they're even on sale right now!  I then found this pair of shoes that were a deep purple made out of suede and satin with a rose of them... 

I went to order them and can't get them in a size smaller than 9.  I'm a 7... not gonna work.  So... I am having really bad luck with the outfit for the wedding.

On the upside, I've been working with this program at the YWCA called Access to Recovery.  Basically, it allows the client $3,000 to spend in a 12 month period.  It pays for gas ($25 a week, I can't even remember the last time I had to pay for gas!), car repairs (up to $300, so it covered the repairs I had to have done on my car), and other various things.  It will help with clothes, gym memberships, bills, school supplies, and books (and that's just what I remember off the top of my head!).  I got this book today called "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" and I'm really excited to start reading it.  I was also able to request a bunch of other books.  I'm currently (and have been for a while) obsessed with attachment styles, how they work, and how they're connected to addiction.  I've noticed a correlation between certain attachment styles and addiction, especially in women.  I was thinking that if I studied up on attachment styles and how to change a negative style to a positive one then it would help women recover from their addictions because they wouldn't be dragged down by the kinds of relationships they find themselves in and feel 'stuck' in that type of situation.  All part of empowering women.  But I can't seem to find any books that already talk about this correlation and how to improve it, so I'm attempting to study up on both and come up with some theories and all myself... Maybe I'll be the one to write the book on it.  Interesting thought, huh?  

Our "Oreo House"

Snack time ended up being pretty fun!  My hands got messier than Lilly's but the cookie on her face topped the frosting on my hands!  We couldn't get a roof on the house (when we tried a side of our house fell off) but we ended up with a two story structure that is still upright!

Dresses and Toilets

I am having a very bad day and it's all because of a teal skirt and blue hands...  I was having an average day until I got out of school.  I ran to Fareway to pick up a few things and one of the things I wanted to get was toilet bowl cleaner.  I have actual cleaner stuff but no matter how often I clean it, it doesn't seem to matter.  I got that stuff that you just drop into the tank hoping that a continual thing will help make a difference.  When I got home from the store there was a package waiting for me! My dress for the wedding had arrived! I was so excited because after ordering it, there was quite a bit of activity in my bank account.  First, I was charged twice for the dress... NOT GOOD!  Then, all those charges went away and they were PAYING me to take the dress.... not as bad! :)  Then it all got straightened out and I was only paying for the dress once and wasn't making any money for getting it (darn).  So I excitedly torn into the package wanting to see how the dress looks on and I'm shocked to discover that it was a teal skirt... and not even a nice one! So after working through all the automated things on the customer service number, I finally talked to someone who said they will send me the dress that I ordered... I am NOT liking this company, at all!  

What I ordered:

What I got:  

I then put away all my groceries and go to put the cleaner thing in the toilet tank and end up with a blue fingertip from the dye on the disk thingy... I then go to Target with Jason (where Lilly is running around the store because he let her out of the cart) and while there I pick up some of that new cleaner that you just stick on the side of the toilet... Doesn't require any touching and now that I have TV the commercial sold me.  It's what I was originally looking for at Fareway but they didn't have it.  I get home from a stressful trip to Target and as soon as I step into the house I realize that the toilet bowl is still running.  Apparently the thing that I had put into it was blocking the thingy making the water run constantly.  I had to dig that dang thing out and not my whole hand is blue!  But I got to try the new thingy out instead of waiting (if only I hadn't wasted money on the first thing) and we'll see how that works.  So, if anyone knows how to get blue dye off your skin in a non-harmful way, please let me know.  I'm hoping my evening is better than my afternoon, but my original plans had included attempting to make an oreo house with Lilly (thanks to the Hansel and Grettal (sp?) story that she watched this morning.  I was thinking, this could be a fun (even though messy) snack time, but now I'm dreading it cause of how my day is going... I'll be sure to take pics and let you know how 'fun' it is! And if it's even possible to make a house looking object out of oreo's and frosting... :)